halloflamer | POKEGEAR (MoM IC Contact)

The change I wanted was misguided. I was so sure of the logic and righteousness behind my actions I was blinded to the fact I was- [well, he's getting emotional again!! shocking. he grits his teeth, exhales through his nose.] I was an idiot. Narrowminded, just like Giovanni.

[bluh bluh seriously why did maxie think his stupid plan made any sense, question for the ages] I wanted to make more land with Groudon's power, more space that I saw as dwindling and taken from the Pokemon on land. There's arguments to be made for the limit of resources and how we have used too much but-

You've seen. It was foolish, I played with powers beyond me and others paid for it. The path to hell paved with good intentions, as it were.

[Okay well it's Pokémon logic so somehow it makes some sort of sense to Blue. Or as much sense as a madman can make. Blue's not going to ask how he ever thought he would manage to bring a legendary weather god under heel, as if the ancients could do so, as if that was the biggest thing wrong with this entire plot.]

[He just shrugs it off. He'd heard it already; Archie had said all the same things.]

What'll you do now? [Here, whatever, back home. Sure, they were from his past, and he'd never known them back home; he had no way of knowing what they could have been up to by his time.] Change things a different way?

[thanks for not going wow your pokemon plot is stupid, blue

and that is a personal question, one maxie clearly isn't entirely sure the answer to given how he hesitates. lord he hated sharing things like this. heart to hearts and emotions and things like that. awkward and unsettling.

he sighs] I don't know. I was so sure of my logic, so completely certain it was sound. Now it is... difficult. If I cannot trust my ability to logic then how can I-

I don't know, make amends, I suppose. Somehow. Or at least attempt to do so for as long as I am capable.

[Blue huffs a little, feeling somehow... disappointed, or ill at-ease. He wanted to get it- how Red did it, even how these two did it. Going full-on into something, believing in it so strongly that one doesn't believe in failure. Even just having the guts to do what they did...]

[Maybe Archie was just right about him. No conviction. He was just a coward that ran away from his problems.]

[He shrugs at Maxie's response- he wasn't really looking for anything from him. No penance, no apologies. Even when it came to Cinnabar, it had simply been something that came to mind, a barb to hurt back. He hadn't thought on it much further than that. He never liked to dwell on those times, anyway.] Your Pokémon seem happy. It's probably fine. [Then again, Red told him the same thing, and he remained unconvinced. But Maxie, even a Rocket, had probably been kinder to his Pokémon than Blue had.]

[maybe you should talk about it, blue. and not drink? maybe??

maxie was hardly expecting that response, and even he can tell it was probably... what, a peace offering? a begrudging comment that he wasn't as bad as he seemed?]

I put them through a great deal with everything that happened. I owe it to them to make this place happier, at least.

[Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm nope]

[He considers the burden that they'd put on their Pokémon, too, through everything that they did. Nothing like actual Rockets, maybe, but after all... May had defeated them.]

But they probably believed in you. [Misguided, sure; and no wonder Maxie (and Archie) would feel as though he had led them astray as well.] And you had all those people that believed in you too. Even if you weren't right in the end, they musta trusted you for some reason.

[He wanted to know what that felt like.]

[maxie and jon are going to get an intervention episode going at this rate.

that comment doesn't make maxie feel much better, his shoulders slump in guilt at the thought. it wasn't a new one.] Well, yes, I suppose. It makes my crimes worse, at least many of the Rockets were simply paid or unpleasant individuals. My grunts- they weren't a bad bunch. Foolish, on occasion, perhaps overzealous...

[he rubs the bridge of his nose, god all this. talking.] I wondered the same, you know. I'm not exactly personable. One of my Admins, Tabitha, told me once it was because we all 'understood each other.' I'm still not entirely sure what that means.

You remind me of them, in some way. My admins, that is.

[Blue makes a sound of agreement. He can understand where they were coming from; the sense of betrayal, of disappointing and letting down the people that had trusted them. He understood it maybe too well.]

Great, so you're saying I got the potential to be some crazy planet-destroying whackaDiglett, too? [He laughs self-deprecatingly, but that comment... about understanding one another... Isn't that what he was trying to do?]

[But he didn't feel that way at all.]

[Maybe he just wanted someone to understand.]

[There's a long pause, breath held, where it seems Blue might say something. But he doesn't.]

[maxie huffs and, shockingly, doesn't take offense. i mean he wasn't wrong. courtney even tried to destroy everything after but he's not bringing that one up

he does hesitate because putting this to words was difficult] Well... I suppose I'll be frank, you seem to lack the social niceties and impulse to indulge in them that they do- that I do.

Courtney and Tabitha- and I- we were never very... sociable. Pleasant. In different ways but similar enough that meeting each other was rather novel.

[Sorry this thread was going nice places and there might have even been an emotional breakthrough]

[But let's hold the fucking phone real quick]

Did you just call me a loser?

[maxie just. sort of looks at the screen.]

I think I was more calling you a jerk than a loser. And myself, at that rate.

[Hmmmm. He glares at the feed a little longer, then shrugs.]

Oh, well that's fine.

[Priorities.]

--Well, that seems to work out for you just fine. What's so wrong with it? [Ignoring himself, for just a moment; being a jerk was really only the half of it, and not even really the truth, wasn't it.]

[But.. like Archie, no one ever really got it.]

[maxie just huffs a disbelieving breath]

Hurting people, I suppose. Usually unintentionally. Still, I never said there was anything wrong not subscribing to the sort of pointless social niceties most do. And being a 'jerk' is over simplifying anyway.

I'm not sure how to word it. I suppose it's having a hard time connecting to people, emotionally. [he makes a face] I hate this sort of thing, honestly. Soppy nonsense.

[Well....... it wasn't as if Blue was being entirely serious in asking, but the answer hits right on the mark, doesn't it?]

[Of course, Blue getting called a jerk mostly involved him ribbing people a little too hard and them not being able to roll with a punch, or getting whupped in battle and then crying about it, in his opinion; but that was neither here nor there.]

[Blue opens his mouth, then closes it. Connecting to people. Hurting people.]

[Red, in so many ways more than the obvious, was so much better than him at everything.]

Don't you ever get lonely...? [He asks, barely audible, turning away from the camera again to tend to the kitchen.] With that kind of attitude.

[well, they're in full emotion town now, huh?? usually maxie would draw away from such a question but... blue really did remind him of his admins. and he missed them.

he releases a breath.] Yes. I do. I did. When I was young I aggressively convinced myself everyone around me was wrong and all I needed was Numel anyway.

[he sighs, taking off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose.] Of course it was nonsense. Even now, even after learning as much as I have, changing, having Archie around it can be... isolating.

[It's too close. And it's taken Blue so long to realize it, the same things, yet what Maxie is saying is so obvious now. And yet he'd never really had real friends other than Red. Family, and acquaintances; peers and students, sure. But Red was the only person he'd ever really let inside, in his entire life. The only person who knew him, behind all the bullshit bravado he put on. And what was behind all of that? Just an even worse person.]

[How was it that Blue only realized how lonely he was, how wrong he'd been, once he finally wasn't alone anymore?]

[Maxie receives silence for a while, until Blue's voice creaks in, quiet and strangely meek.] I just... didn't wanna be left behind.

[maxie was not expecting their conversation to go this way but was he surprised by any of this? no, not really. like he said, blue reminded him of his admins. frankly, more than anything, blue reminded him of himself when he was young. blue had his life far more together but it was still, it was there.

the worst part of the whole thing is he still has no idea what to say. what would he say to himself when he was younger? probably chew him out. he certainly wasn't going to do that to blue.]

I... understand. [boy did he.]Everything seems so much starker and more obvious when you have what you were lacking all that time.

[he clears his throat] I haven't met your Pokemon enough to say but Red seems happy. [kind of returning the compliment?? or fact]

[But Red seems happy. Those words cut through Blue more than anything else, and his hands grip the edge of the kitchen counter.]

[No one knew. No one knew, and that's why they could look at them this way. Like it was simply a matter of Blue running away for no reason. Like they were simply old friends who became more. But that wasn't it at all.]

I'm not the one who ran away. [He finally admits. It's been a week of accusations since he returned, of being demanded answers of. But no one really understood what had actually happened.] I'm not the one who ran away back then.

I-I drove him away. It was me, I... [There's a harsh breath, a choked back emotion. Maxie was certainly not the one to expect to have answers for all of this, but Blue found he was the first person he felt like admitting it to.] I...never meant to hurt him...

["Rivals" was a word that was tossed around a lot, back then; and even now. But they had never been just "rivals".]

[again, not really expecting this. he probably should have realized there was something with what happened during the memory week but he had just assumed the memories had done something strange that was now resolved. red certainly didn't seem upset by what happened, or they worked it out, or something.

at least he assumes that's what 'ran away' meant.] You're... talking about when you were gone before, aren't you?

[he frowns, dissects what blue was saying, then-] ... Red was the one who left. [he was still confused by what they were even talking about but that did sound somewhat like it. he hesitates, unsure.] But you did hurt him, I take it. And then... whatever happened after he seems to have forgiven you, hasn't he?

[Maxie never asked for this backstory dump, but he sure is getting it. Blue's arched over the counter now, elbows propped on the granite, face in his hands. He nods slowly to Maxie's assumption, and releases a shaky, heavy sigh.]

Red'd forgive anyone for anything. [He mumbles sullenly.] Even if he's forgiven me, I keep... I keep doing things like this...

Archie's right. I haven't become a better person at all. [He's not going to say it outright, but he figures if anyone would understand that feeling, it's the guys that almost ended the world.]

[maxie nods to this information, frankly both a little surprised and not surprised at all. the surprise was mostly that this conversation went this way at all, people didn't usually turn to maxie to talk about emotional shit. the lack of surprise though, that was at the fact blue was carrying all this on his shoulders despite how he acted.

he sighs.] Well, forgiveness is his choice. He clearly sees your intentions for what they are, even if you make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with doing that, as much as I loath to say so- making mistakes, that is. Especially when you're young.

Archie said that? [he is surprised and annoyed. archie!! he waves the thought aside, it wasn't his place and he didn't know the context. a smart move for once, brought surprisingly by maxie??] That's funny, because Archie has told me several times being able to recognize your mistakes and feel remorse for their fallout is exactly what a good person does as they try to get better.

I don't know the whole story, Blue, but it's a process, one you go through your whole life. It's hard to see how much progress you've made looking back.

[Blue's mouth sets in a line. He knew it was Red's decision to make, and it wasn't that he didn't think Red could make that decision for himself, and yet... He couldn't stop thinking that it had been the wrong one. That he wasn't worth his forgiveness, or his love.]

[He couldn't stop thinking that he wasn't worth much at all. But that was something he had struggled not to show for so long now that he didn't know how to act any other way.]

--He said... [Blue starts, then huffs. It wasn't exactly easy to say, even if he figured it was true, deep down.] ...that I keep running away and making excuses... But that's basically the same thing, isn't it?

[Red had said that, that they'd work through this together. But Red wasn't the one that kept screwing up over and over.]

[maxie's quiet for a beat, thinking deeply, and then-]

Do you trust Red? More than you are able to trust yourself right now?

[Blue hesitates, again considering that Red was fully capable of making that decision- he was a grown man, and had always been the braver, the more mature of the two besides. Really, the main factor in this, besides that they had known each other since either of them could remember, was simply that he was too kind of a person.]

[Still, he sighs and nods, head sinking between his shoulders. What choice did he have?]

I know it is difficult but in times like this you must trust what he thinks and knows of you. You're biased about yourself and always shall be. Perhaps he is too but he will want what's best for you, which... often we do not do for ourselves.

[emotionsss dear god. he sighs] He's a good judge of character and I stand by what I said. I truly believe you make him happy.

POKEGEAR (MoM IC Contact)

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