halloflamer | POKEGEAR (MoM IC Contact)

[Hmmmm. He glares at the feed a little longer, then shrugs.]

Oh, well that's fine.

[Priorities.]

--Well, that seems to work out for you just fine. What's so wrong with it? [Ignoring himself, for just a moment; being a jerk was really only the half of it, and not even really the truth, wasn't it.]

[But.. like Archie, no one ever really got it.]

[maxie just huffs a disbelieving breath]

Hurting people, I suppose. Usually unintentionally. Still, I never said there was anything wrong not subscribing to the sort of pointless social niceties most do. And being a 'jerk' is over simplifying anyway.

I'm not sure how to word it. I suppose it's having a hard time connecting to people, emotionally. [he makes a face] I hate this sort of thing, honestly. Soppy nonsense.

[Well....... it wasn't as if Blue was being entirely serious in asking, but the answer hits right on the mark, doesn't it?]

[Of course, Blue getting called a jerk mostly involved him ribbing people a little too hard and them not being able to roll with a punch, or getting whupped in battle and then crying about it, in his opinion; but that was neither here nor there.]

[Blue opens his mouth, then closes it. Connecting to people. Hurting people.]

[Red, in so many ways more than the obvious, was so much better than him at everything.]

Don't you ever get lonely...? [He asks, barely audible, turning away from the camera again to tend to the kitchen.] With that kind of attitude.

[well, they're in full emotion town now, huh?? usually maxie would draw away from such a question but... blue really did remind him of his admins. and he missed them.

he releases a breath.] Yes. I do. I did. When I was young I aggressively convinced myself everyone around me was wrong and all I needed was Numel anyway.

[he sighs, taking off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose.] Of course it was nonsense. Even now, even after learning as much as I have, changing, having Archie around it can be... isolating.

[It's too close. And it's taken Blue so long to realize it, the same things, yet what Maxie is saying is so obvious now. And yet he'd never really had real friends other than Red. Family, and acquaintances; peers and students, sure. But Red was the only person he'd ever really let inside, in his entire life. The only person who knew him, behind all the bullshit bravado he put on. And what was behind all of that? Just an even worse person.]

[How was it that Blue only realized how lonely he was, how wrong he'd been, once he finally wasn't alone anymore?]

[Maxie receives silence for a while, until Blue's voice creaks in, quiet and strangely meek.] I just... didn't wanna be left behind.

[maxie was not expecting their conversation to go this way but was he surprised by any of this? no, not really. like he said, blue reminded him of his admins. frankly, more than anything, blue reminded him of himself when he was young. blue had his life far more together but it was still, it was there.

the worst part of the whole thing is he still has no idea what to say. what would he say to himself when he was younger? probably chew him out. he certainly wasn't going to do that to blue.]

I... understand. [boy did he.]Everything seems so much starker and more obvious when you have what you were lacking all that time.

[he clears his throat] I haven't met your Pokemon enough to say but Red seems happy. [kind of returning the compliment?? or fact]

[But Red seems happy. Those words cut through Blue more than anything else, and his hands grip the edge of the kitchen counter.]

[No one knew. No one knew, and that's why they could look at them this way. Like it was simply a matter of Blue running away for no reason. Like they were simply old friends who became more. But that wasn't it at all.]

I'm not the one who ran away. [He finally admits. It's been a week of accusations since he returned, of being demanded answers of. But no one really understood what had actually happened.] I'm not the one who ran away back then.

I-I drove him away. It was me, I... [There's a harsh breath, a choked back emotion. Maxie was certainly not the one to expect to have answers for all of this, but Blue found he was the first person he felt like admitting it to.] I...never meant to hurt him...

["Rivals" was a word that was tossed around a lot, back then; and even now. But they had never been just "rivals".]

[again, not really expecting this. he probably should have realized there was something with what happened during the memory week but he had just assumed the memories had done something strange that was now resolved. red certainly didn't seem upset by what happened, or they worked it out, or something.

at least he assumes that's what 'ran away' meant.] You're... talking about when you were gone before, aren't you?

[he frowns, dissects what blue was saying, then-] ... Red was the one who left. [he was still confused by what they were even talking about but that did sound somewhat like it. he hesitates, unsure.] But you did hurt him, I take it. And then... whatever happened after he seems to have forgiven you, hasn't he?

[Maxie never asked for this backstory dump, but he sure is getting it. Blue's arched over the counter now, elbows propped on the granite, face in his hands. He nods slowly to Maxie's assumption, and releases a shaky, heavy sigh.]

Red'd forgive anyone for anything. [He mumbles sullenly.] Even if he's forgiven me, I keep... I keep doing things like this...

Archie's right. I haven't become a better person at all. [He's not going to say it outright, but he figures if anyone would understand that feeling, it's the guys that almost ended the world.]

[maxie nods to this information, frankly both a little surprised and not surprised at all. the surprise was mostly that this conversation went this way at all, people didn't usually turn to maxie to talk about emotional shit. the lack of surprise though, that was at the fact blue was carrying all this on his shoulders despite how he acted.

he sighs.] Well, forgiveness is his choice. He clearly sees your intentions for what they are, even if you make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with doing that, as much as I loath to say so- making mistakes, that is. Especially when you're young.

Archie said that? [he is surprised and annoyed. archie!! he waves the thought aside, it wasn't his place and he didn't know the context. a smart move for once, brought surprisingly by maxie??] That's funny, because Archie has told me several times being able to recognize your mistakes and feel remorse for their fallout is exactly what a good person does as they try to get better.

I don't know the whole story, Blue, but it's a process, one you go through your whole life. It's hard to see how much progress you've made looking back.

[Blue's mouth sets in a line. He knew it was Red's decision to make, and it wasn't that he didn't think Red could make that decision for himself, and yet... He couldn't stop thinking that it had been the wrong one. That he wasn't worth his forgiveness, or his love.]

[He couldn't stop thinking that he wasn't worth much at all. But that was something he had struggled not to show for so long now that he didn't know how to act any other way.]

--He said... [Blue starts, then huffs. It wasn't exactly easy to say, even if he figured it was true, deep down.] ...that I keep running away and making excuses... But that's basically the same thing, isn't it?

[Red had said that, that they'd work through this together. But Red wasn't the one that kept screwing up over and over.]

[maxie's quiet for a beat, thinking deeply, and then-]

Do you trust Red? More than you are able to trust yourself right now?

[Blue hesitates, again considering that Red was fully capable of making that decision- he was a grown man, and had always been the braver, the more mature of the two besides. Really, the main factor in this, besides that they had known each other since either of them could remember, was simply that he was too kind of a person.]

[Still, he sighs and nods, head sinking between his shoulders. What choice did he have?]

I know it is difficult but in times like this you must trust what he thinks and knows of you. You're biased about yourself and always shall be. Perhaps he is too but he will want what's best for you, which... often we do not do for ourselves.

[emotionsss dear god. he sighs] He's a good judge of character and I stand by what I said. I truly believe you make him happy.

[Blue sits there for a long few moments, chin resting on crossed arms, and appears to just think, absorbing what Maxie says. Trusting in Red wasn't hard, but feeling like he was taking advantage of him somehow, like he should know better and not impose on him, merely by existing- that was the difficult part.]

[That Blue didn't necessarily want what was best for himself.... well, that he supposed he had to accept as true. It was just that he deserved it, in his mind.]

[He questions, a little, Red's judge of character but then again... he didn't really have proof of that. He just worried that someday, Red's kindness would be his downfall.]

[He nods slowly, wordlessly at Maxie's advice, and stares down at the counter for another moment.]

....Thanks. [He mumbles against his arms, finally; for listening, for letting him dump the things he'd kept inside from everyone. He still wasn't quite sure why he'd decided to tell him, but maybe it was all just eating him up a little too much inside.] --You're not gonna tell anyone, right?

[maxie huffs. god. he's also a little shocked he didn't fuck up somehow. he wasn't usually good at this.] Of course not. I'll tell Archie I told you about my Rocket history but otherwise I do know this is private.

[yeah god?? he's only 90% hopeless??] But... you're welcome.

[Blue gives a quiet little puff of a sigh. Okay, well... he just hoped he could trust when Maxie said he wouldn't tell. Clearly, Archie couldn't be trusted not to run his mouth.]

[Sullenly, he gestures at the kitchen around him.] ...Well, I'm gonna... go back to making lunch for my team I guess. So, um.

Later.

[He gives a half-hearted (but still cooler) wave of a salute, and switches off the feed.]

POKEGEAR (MoM IC Contact)

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