halloflamer | POKEGEAR (MoM IC Contact)

[Normal.... right. As if Blue wasn't 11 years old yesterday and having a breakdown of confidence in front of a strange adult he'd just met. Blue freezes up upon entering the kitchen, groggy and weary-eyed after the past several days, but memory fully intact. He almost considers backtracking and fleeing the kitchen, but he grumbles and powers through.]

[No... Screw that, he's not going to run away.] Yeah, just peachy. How's your Gym?

[He's just gonna deflect instead.]

[folding his arms and leaning against the counter, archie looks over blue when he replies, snorting a short laugh.]

Some fucker called Wallace took it from me. [he shakes his head.] Sorry for lyin', for what it's worth. I, uh, panicked a bit.

[a pause.]

You want a coffee? I just brewed some.

Yeah, what a shame. [Blue frowns, and looks at the coffee.....]

[Sigh.] Sure. [Blue slumps over to the kitchen counter, and acquiesces to his fate.] Yeah, I bet you were so intimidated by a couple ten year olds.

[Prickly. He's already on the defense; it's his typical shit when he's already feeling vulnerable, knowing what's going to transpire.]

Mmm, no. [he grabs another mug out the cupboard, busying himself with pouring it.] Not of you...

[archie shakes his head, holding the mug out.]

Not to worry about that. You alright physically? Shrank and grew a lot, huh?

Huh?

[Blue gives Archie another skeptical look, but pulls the mug towards himself and sips.] ...Fine. Uh, woke up dressed kinda weird, but fine.

You couldn't just grab us a couple pairs of kids pants? Sheesh!

I did call Sabrina... didn't she bring some over eventually?

[he huffs.]

I couldn't exactly leave you two alone. Not that I didn't think you couldn't take care of yourselves, but... well, you know how it is here. I didn't know if ageing people down was the only thing running around. You were only kids, prodigy trainers or not.

They were lame. [Blue huffs, sulkily sipping at his coffee. He frowns, and gets up to rummage in the fridge for some milk.]

....Yeah. I mean, I don't blame you about that... [He admits, busying his expression in the fridge door.] And it's not like we were in sync with our Pokémon like that...

[Guiltily, he flinches, remembering. He should ...apologize to his team again. He pauses for a moment, staring absently at the milk.]

Enough to beat you, I guess. [He amends, a barb to pull him out of the moment as he sits at the counter again.]

[a snort escapes him as he's halfway to drinking his coffee, making him cough a little. wheeze.]

Findin' fashionable kids clothes that ain't $50 a piece isn't easy, you know. S'all trains and birds and shite. [he shrugs a shoulder.] Maybe not, but at least they stayed the same age. Three kids were enough.

[he could mention the attitude towards his pokémon that he'd noticed in blue, but doesn't. what's the point? he's better now, and it likely wouldn't help. that's something he can figure out with his team. archie silently notes the flinch, making a mental note to clear out if he sees blue talking to them. better to give him space for it.

while archie falls silent, it's not for lack of things to say. it's probably obvious from his expression that the cogs are furiously turning inside his salty head as he tries to figure out how to word what he wants to.

eventually, he decides to take the safe route. maybe it's unnecessary, but with his history of just saying shit and hurting blue, archie figures he'd rather be overly cautious than... whatever he was before.]

Uh... I kinda... realised some stuff. During it. About us. I'd like to... talk about it. If that's fine with you.

[ahhh, the anxiety. he winces a little.]

It's nothing bad. I don't think.

Yeeeah sure, we weren't toddlers! [Blue huffs, but he's obviously just drawing out the argument so he doesn't have to....]

[Deal with this.]

[Ugh.]

[Blue freezes mid-sip, brow crinkling and eyes narrowed in bleary skepticism, and after a second seems to purposely keep gulping coffee so he can keep the cup in front of his face.]

What. [He knows what.]

[it's not the response archie expected-- and that's clear in his expression, but what did he expect? he's not sure. maybe something involving arcanine or eevee reacting violently to him again. he could hardly blame them; once again he's cornered blue into this situation, though archie hopes that he's not blinded by his own pathetic excuses this time. maybe he is. he hasn't planned this, which only serves to worsen his anxiety. he doesn't know if he should've, but isn't overthinking what caused all the problems to begin with? it feels like no matter which way he turns with this he'll end up in a pitfall of his own making.

he doesn't start talking right away, instead dropping his gaze down to his coffee mug. it's probably clear there's a level of discomfort he's feeling that... it would never rival what blue feels, but it's in the same vein, at the very least. his brain keeps going back to the same thing over and over: if you hurt him again, give up. stop trying. leave them. neither of them deserve you pulling them down like this. it's easy for him to spiral, so he takes a gulp of coffee to bring him back to reality.]

I still don't understand why you and Red came here, [he starts, trying to pick his words carefully.] and I think maybe I probably won't be able to, on some level.

[for blue, specifically. after all he'd said about being afraid of people leaving him, thinking he doesn't deserve the love of his own family because he's not good enough... none of that is anything archie can understand and he's learned well enough not to make assumptions.]

I mean, I get you wanted to help, but after everything I said and did to you... After Maxie was Ported out, [he has to keep on, despite not knowing what he wants to say. he said he'd realised something, but can't even fucking put it into words. this was a mistake.] I was stupid enough to think maybe when you were intent on staying that maybe you just didn't understand, but I know now that was entirely wrong. Ever thinking you didn't understand was wrong. It was nothing else than me simply thinking of myself and not thinking about you, or how my own actions could affect you. There's no excuse for it.

[...]

Just... sorry. For what it's worth. I wanted to say it again properly, not that ridiculous bunch of excuses I gave you last time. There's so much I wish I hadn't done, so much I know I'll never be able to make up to you for, especially after-- [the relic, goes unspoken. archie closes his eyes for a moment, exhales.] I don't deserve any of the help you've given me, even in the form of just staying around when I had no-one else, but I wanted to tell you I'm grateful for it. With what I said to you and hurt you, with everything I made worse...

[he trails off, sighs again.]

Just, fuck. Sorry. It's not enough but sorry. I hate I needed such a dramatic perspective to fuckin'-- even pull my head an inch further out my ass.

[...one last thing.]

I wasn't scared of you. I was scared of you not remembering. It felt too much like getting a free pass for everything. The same way being brought here felt, but at least I'm still fortunate enough to be able to talk to you about it. ...Even that's selfish of me.

Edited 2018-08-19 18:04 (UTC)

[Blue stares at his coffee for a long time as the words spill out awkwardly, unrefined, chasing themselves in circles. He understood it, as he understood most things when it came to Archie, even if he hated those things; trying, being clumsy with apologies and not even knowing quite what to apologize for, just desperation to make things better again.]

[It's a lot. The silence that follows it is a lot, probably suffocating for the both of them, but it's too much for him to say anything right away, so he just lets the silence go colder and colder between them, finally moves an inch to pick his coffee up again- also lukewarm now, and sip silently at it with his gaze fixed on the table.]

[Both of them are clumsy talkers, so he'll just taste the words in his mouth for as long as he needs before he lets himself say anything.]

What's this got to do with anything... [He mumbles finally, sullenly, but from the way his jaw is working, chewing on nothing, it's clear there's more words behind them that aren't coming out.]

[he blinks rapidly for a moment, looking away. definitely trying to hide some sort of emotion-- probably tearing up for some reason because he's a fuckin crybaby like that.]

You didn't do anything. I'm the one that started all this shit, the one that kept it going for some-- fucking reason.

[he closes his eyes, sighs.]

I think about it a lot. Every day. Not through some stupid self-flagellation, but because I wanted to really re-evaluate how I was acting. I want to do better by you, and for a long time I thought that meant just... leaving. Right up until you were so determined to stay here and help, despite everything.

[He sees that blink of emotion, and his brows knit together, jaw tightening again with-- guilt? He looks away quickly too, hating the sensation, but he's well used to it. More than used to it.]

[Here they were again, going in their clumsy circles of hurting each other again. It was so ...stupid.]

[He thinks about the second statement, but when he opens his mouth, he isn't thinking about Archie's actions anymore.] --I did too. Every day. Every single day, after I lost. It started out like that... trying to understand what I did wrong. What I'd been missing all that time.

[Frolick this. If Archie won't talk about it, he will.]

But by the end it was. --Self-flagellation, I mean. That's all it was... going in circles over and over again because none of the changes I was making were doing ...anything. For me. Deep down.

[He anxiously works his fingers over the handle of the coffee mug, the same way he'd done to the blanket that night.] It was too late already, by then.... I thought. It was too late for me.

After you had to be pulled back from Kyogre, isn't that how you felt?

[it's clumsy and unrefined, but archie knows what he did, exactly. at the very least, he's not grasping at straws. he know how he's hurt blue and what he did to do it. he never had any delusions about what he did for very long. just like kyogre; it needed to go to the extreme.

archie's own mug stays abandoned on the side of the counter as he crosses his arms, listening, trying to think.]

...Yeah. [he admits. it goes a little deeper than that - as he expects it does for blue, too - but after he'd hurt so many people that had considered him a friend and leader... archie was never sure if his amendments would just end up as lip service. he knows he'll never be forgiven for what he did - shelly had said as much - but that didn't stop him from wanting to try. at the same time, he knew the only thing stopping him from really fixing himself was... well, himself.] Do you think... it's possible to ever stop spinning?

[he doesn't. it's an honest question devoid of all the confidence archie's had in either of their recoveries that's been there before. mabye being with red has slowed blue down a bit, but like it is with anyone, the true recovery lies with blue, not his relationship with anyone else. even if archie, uh, fucked it up and knocked it back a lot.]

[Blue stares into nothing, and although his response doesn't come quickly, he knows the answer right away.]

No. [He mumbles, casual for how hopeless it is, but it isn't a new or big revelation for him. It would be nice to be able to feel like there was something else down the road, but the truth was he just didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel for him- not in this regard. It felt worse, knowing Red tried so hard for him, to help him see hope and knowing he felt like it was all in vain.] But what do I know.

More than anyone, about you.

[it's not new to either of them. archie tries his best, blue tries his, but... maybe they just reached a point where nothing will help? that they believe, at least. if blue doesn't feel like red will and archie feels like maxie and matt being around wouldn't actually make much difference for him.

this is something archie buries deep down. he'll be quietly convinced that's he's a lost cause but hold out hope for blue. he needs something.

which... makes him throwing a spanner into it all the more fucked up, right? this is also nowhere near a surprise to him.]

I'm sorry, [he says, again.] I doubt I have any concept of how badly I set you off even worse.

[Blue bites his lip. He doesn't know about that... When it came to Red, sometimes it seemed like the other boy knew better about his tendencies than he did himself. Could see more clearly at least, cut through his bullshit. Whether it helped any... that was another matter.]

[Mouth tightening at Archie's apology, he scoffs, bitter.] Don't give yourself too much credit. [He frowns though, and regrets putting it like that... right now anyway. They always went in these circles. How much was apology, how much was seeking forgiveness... He just drops it, shaking his head.] No...... forget it, I-- it's over with. I doubt I'd be much better off anyway, even if you hadn't...

[His jaw wobbles again, and he covers his face with his hands. His faults... they were his own. He would never be rid of them, either way.]

[All it took was being a kid again to realize that. He hadn't really changed at all.]

[the answer here, for archie, is easy. he says nothing at all-- he knows that nothing he could say here would be of any benefit to either of them. at this point it would just be dragging this uncomfortable experience out and - in archie's head at least - he would risk falling into a pitfall of his own making and hurting blue again.

he doesn't let the silence hang for long, though. he reaches out carefully-- VERY carefully, and not with That Hand for blue's upper arm, carefully pulling him into a hug. one that isn't tight-- it's clear he's keeping it loose in case blue wants to duck out for any reason. after a moment or two he feels a little confident enough to rest his chin on blue's shoulder. hope that beard doesn't tickle too much.]

I'm sorry, [he says again, and it sounds like now blue doesn't have a full view of his face he's actually letting more of the emotion through. stupid crybaby is likely crying a little.] I--

[he stops himself. closes his eyes so he doesn't stare a damn hole into the counter behind him.]

I love you. [he gets out eventually, quietly, even though it feels wrong to say it. ironic how blue had felt undeserving of anyone else's love; archie feels like he doesn't deserve blue. maybe he doesn't, but... it's something he wants to say. something without a fucking nuke bearing down on them.]

[For once, Blue doesn't fight. The hand reaching towards him is seen, and watched, and allowed to make contact as it does, and then he's pulled against Archie's dumb, beefy shoulder.]

[It hardly takes him a moment to sink into it, bury his face into Archie and sniffle, then crack out the first sob. The first time had been-- there had been so much on their minds then, too many feelings and panic, he couldn't feel it for what it was. But now, after the last week, after the months gone by, Blue can finally, quietly accept the love and care for what it was. And he needed it- wanted it so desperately.]

[He had said it then, even though he didn't know Archie could hear him. Archie was like family to him, the parental figure he hadn't had in longer than he could remember, even if it was belated- they were both terrible, both the same. He understood, even if he didn't show it the right ways. If he didn't say anything, Blue thought, it would be nice if they could just stay like this for a little bit.]

[he stays there as long as blue needs. holding him in a way that doesn't seem like he's waiting for him to finish or that he's uncomfortable, just that it can continue as long as blue needs.

extremely fortunately, he also doesn't say anything. just shifts to lightly rub blue's back after a few minutes.

burp it all out, baby. (thinks the guy who is also silently crying)]

POKEGEAR (MoM IC Contact)

I'M gonna say it's directly after because I can

wrow

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