halloflamer | POKEGEAR (MoM IC Contact)

[Gyarados makes a sad little rumble as it senses the air between the two trainers. Blue is still looking away, mid-motion to climb up on Gyarados' head, when Red catches his hand and tugs him back.]

[He glances back reluctantly, and there's a deep furrow over his brow when he faces Red, almost pained, how he's pressing his lips together to hold things back.] When we get home.

Please. [His plea comes added a moment later, hesitant, but exhausted.]

[Red sucks in a deep breath, eventually nodding and dropping Blue's hand so he can call out Charizard. The lizard is happy to see its trainer, letting out an excited burst of flame at the sight of him, but it quickly picks up on the air between Red and Blue as well and goes silent. Red climbs on and they begin their quiet ride home.

[It's a little odd not to have Blue going on about something as they fly. Red wishes he'd say something, at least, but he doesn't press it even once they've landed. Instead, he just calls Charizard back and waits for Blue to either glide into the house without another word or start talking.]

[Once they land, and he recalls Gyarados, Blue looks out over the rolling field in back of the house, over the berry patch and towards where it sloped to the river. He starts walking down the path towards the bank, although it was more like meandering; he was distracted, trying to gather all his thoughts and emotions.]

[Eventually he plops himself down at the riverside, knees pulled up to himself, and he waits to see if Red will join. His quiet is finally broken after a few moments.]

They had to capture them and return them to the circus for a little bit, that day, but Archie knew some people with animal welfare groups, so I got them to investigate while I borrowed your power. I guess they were able to convince the police that they should be confiscated... Last I heard they're still finding homes for them all, though. Not enough room at the zoo... It's a long process.

[He heaves a breath, watching the water flow lazily across the muddy bank.]

They said it was okay if you visit some of the temporary shelters and talk to them, though.

[Red nods weakly at Blue's side. He really hadn't stopped to consider the consequences of this whole thing when he did it. He'd been driven by passion, as he so often is. The voices of the animals begging him for help, he just...]

I'm sorry.

[What else can he say, really? He hadn't thought Blue to be so upset over the whole ordeal, but it isn't hard for Red to start feeling guilty on his behalf. He made a mistake, he knows it.

[But would he do it again? Maybe with a bit more planning next time, but...]

[Blue sits in silence, Red's quiet apology hanging in the air between them. It wasn't like it was an empty one. Anything Red had the muster to say was genuine, heartfelt, and he knew that it meant something for him to get those words at all. There was no way he was discounting it.]

[But even still, he wondered whether Red ever realized the messages he sent in his actions. His memory drifts to the conversation they had in January, as the fear and realization of his own mortality had begun to set in on him, and the desperate plea he had tried to make, but couldn't quite voice.]

Red... We're partners, right?

[That was what Red was always saying, but... Once he got the idea in his head to rush off and do something, it was the same now as it had been years ago, back in Pokémon Tower, back at Silph Company Headquarters.]

[Red nods, kneeling down next to Blue and taking his hand again - please don't pull away...]

Of course.

Yes.

[Blue lets him this time, although his own hand is trembling slightly. He tries not to let it show, the muscle in his arm tensed.]

I wish...

[He cuts himself off there, before he feels his voice about to crack and throat swell shut with tears that want to brim forth.] Why won't you ever just ask me to help!?

[Always being left behind. Nothing had changed in 10 years. But deep down, he felt he already knew what the answer to that question was, and it filled his stomach with a bitter, heavy sickness.]

[Red jumps a little at the crack in Blue's voice, but his hand only squeeze's his boyfriend's more tightly.

[He opens his mouth to say something - a silent "I..." - but ends up biting on his lip instead. It hadn't been a slight against Blue that he hadn't asked him to help. Again, it's not as if he put much thought into the actions at all, he just...did what he felt he had to do.

[But how can he explain that to Blue when he can barely force himself to speak at all.

[He'll try.]

They...were begging, I just...

I know... I-I know, Reddy, but that's not how things work, if you had just gotten someone who actually had the authority first it would have been fine! But you always... You always just run in on your own!

[He could have just disappeared, all those years ago. What if Red had never come back out of Silph? That possibility haunts Blue to this day. He never stopped to think about his own safety. He never stopped to think about who he'd leave behind. They were a team, but he never seemed to think of how his actions affected Blue.]

--You’re so selfish! [Blue shouts with his face flushed red with raw emotion, yanking his hand away, although the regret hits his face instantly. Stammering, eyes wide, he freezes up for a moment before making a weak attempt to reach for Red's hand again.] —I. Wait, I didn’t mean...

[But he did, didn’t he? Hasn’t that been what he’s feared all this time? That he’ll be caught in the crossfire of Red’s impulsive decisions, yet again. That for whatever uncertainty was sown deep within Blue's bones, they were supposed to be together for the rest of their lives, a team, a couple, and yet Red was still impulsively acting on his own with no regard for where that would leave him. Was that selfish of him, to resent?]

Edited 2018-05-22 02:50 (UTC)

[It's Red's hand that flinches away this time. He doesn't mean to recoil, but the sudden outburst is shocking, and then...staggering. It leaves Red staring dumbly at Blue for a few heavy seconds, blinking while a lump forms in his throat.

[He swallows it down, but it forms again almost as soon as he does.

[Selfish? He'd never want to be selfish. The idea that he might be is a little dizzying. Red, who never puts himself first, who is always thinking of people that need help, who is always worrying about his friends, about Blue specifically...

[Selfish? Is he selfish? There are ways he could be selfish, maybe, he thinks...Staying silent - selfish, getting jealous - selfish, not paying attention sometimes when Blue's rambling - selfish.

[It's harder for him to correlate it to letting the animals go. He knows he should have done it differently. That's been made abundantly clear. But he didn't do it for him, he did it for them--

[Still, all he can really say is "I'm sorry". But he can't even really say that with his throat so tight. Another easy sign. He takes the hand that Blue should be holding and puts it in a fist over his heart, then makes a circle.

[At his side, Pikachu puts its ears back and gently bunts its trainer in the side.

[He didn't mean that, Red. You're not.]

[It's so painful, seeing Red's face stricken like that again, that he can't breathe. He thought he was done with this. It was his promise- to Red, to himself, even to Pikachu. Never hurt him again. Things were different now. He was different.]

[But he hasn't changed at all. He's the selfish one, and he always will be.]

[Blue's face sinks into his hands, fingers gripping in his hair, and he just sits like that whispering, voice barely a breath in its hopelessness.]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I...

[Red's shoulders sink while he watches Blue's face go into his hands. Slowly, somewhat nervously, he lays a hand on Blue's back. He tries to say something a couple of times, but each time the words get stuck in his throat.

[He doesn't want Blue to beat himself up like this...]

It's...okay.

[His voice is almost as quiet as Blue's, so quiet that he's afraid the other might not hear him, but signing isn't an option when Blue can't see him. He leans forward to press his face into the man's shoulder.]

I'm sorry. I am.

[The hand on his back only makes his shoulders curl in slightly, fighting back desperately the quiet whimper of a first sob threatening to spill forth. Even his own remorse felt selfish and wasteful, now.]

[He never misses a wisp of Red's voice, but the man's words don't make sense to him. They're lies, and he knows they are. There's no way he's okay. He knows when Red is hurting, because he knows how to hurt him better than anyone.]

[The face pressed to his shoulder earns a jump, and he finally shifts his bleary eyes out of his palms just enough for the light to reach them.] You don't... [Have to lie, have to protect me, he wants him to know, but the assurance feels pointless. And he's already said enough today. Better to stop now and keep everything inside again, where at least it can't hurt Red anymore.]

Y'should catch up with your team.

Edited 2018-05-22 04:06 (UTC)

[Red sits up away from Blue when he jumps, staring at him with more dumb blinking. The half-hearted suggestion cuts like a knife. Blue doesn't want to talk to him anymore, then.

[He must have really messed up.

[He drops his eye to his knees, still kneeling there in the grass, but nods weakly.]

[Blue draws in a shaking breath, but steadfastly keeps his mouth shut. No more damage, he tells himself again.]

[Red hasn't made any motion to leave yet, and Blue isn't willing to be the first either- it's been days, and despite his anger he's been terribly lonely in the meantime. They fall into a cold silence there, the only sound the rustling of grass and the trickling flow of water around them.]

POKEGEAR (MoM IC Contact)

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